Estranged Dads and their Kids
One Dad’s depiction
As reported by Arnold Sherr

In 2004, 73.2 million children under age 18 lived in American households. Of those 19.3 million lived with one parent; 88% of which or 16.98 million lived without their Dads at home. (U S C E N S U S B U R E A U 2004)

What an astounding statistic. Of course there are other recipes of family make-up within the 2004 Census report from which the above was extrapolated. But, in and of this report, it is of kids living in absence of their biological Dads that is this writers theme.

Dissolution of this marriage happened when the families’ boy child was near one year of age and the girl child was within the mother’s second trimester. Mom and Dad arranged with the help of a Lawyer, a relative, an agreement satisfactory of support and visitation unregulated by the courts, not the practice in the early 70’s. Both children, while living with their mother would be destined to tolerate Mom’s two additional marriages during the next fourteen and one half years. Since Mom’s temperament was manipulative and charged with verbal explosions of anger and scolding’s, her two successive but short re-attempts at marriage also ended in failure.

Biological Dad, who while living in another State made several attempts to exercise visitations as delineated in and of their agreement but was denied that right repeatedly over those fourteen and one half years. At the advice of an attorney who was referred by a cousin, also an attorney of a specialty other than domestics, Dad was advised to be patient, that his day to be part of his kid’s lives not far into the future. The rationale was that since over the preceding ten years Dad’s once-spouse never requested or sought a court ordered support increase, it was well advised to be patient; that the court would most likely four-times the present support amount which in essence would have succeeded only in bankrupting Dad and the result, Mom would simply continue blocking visitations only at the risk of being slapped on the hand by the courts should Dad fight her legally. No surprises here; a common scenario I am sure!

The children of this dysfunction were to be exposed for the fourteen and one half year void of biological Dad’s presence to verbal abuses, couple fighting’s and arguments, and Mom’s addiction to spending which left the family unit in difficult financial straights between and after Mom’s three marriages, such as they were. In fact, up until this very day, some 25 years later, Mom still lives the life of a precarious spender who only a few short months ago was forced to sell her house of 37 years to prevent foreclosure due to non-payment of property taxes. The real crime hereof was the poor environment in which both children of the original marriage were exposed. Biological Dad, having been kept from exerting positives influences which may have softened the resulting damages evident in and of both children of who are today adults 39 and 41 years of age respectively, is indeed regretful.

The boy child, now a man age 41 effectively processed and managed well his issues and went on to achieve two associate degrees and most recently, at age 40, a four year BS in Psychology. He and Dad have developed over the past 25 years a mutual bond of love and respect unparalleled. But of his daughter, now 39, biological Dad is not so fortunate.

Issues of sibling rivalry and claims of Mom’s verbal abuses rein havoc over any reasonable chance for biological Dad to have ever grown a loving and respectful relationship with his daughter. In addition to her inability to accept and deal with her issues of the past, she is ever more burdened with health challenges, a stubbornness that precludes outside demonstrations of caring and love, and a conceit that promotes her desire to decision without guidance at the expense of costly mistakes and poor judgmental decisions. She has built a wall that repels any attempts by Dad to build that loving relationship he dreamed of for so many years hence, 39 to be exact.

This girl child, now a woman faults her biological Dad for having not been there to protect her from the abuses and to generally protect her interests during her first fourteen and one half years; that Dad is in essence culpable for it all. She complains verbally about her Mom, but when in her presence hugs and kisses dominate. Is Dad missing something? Perhaps the irony hereof!

What adds most painfully to this sadness is the presence of his eight year old granddaughter, born out of wedlock, for which biological Dad will once again suffer estrangement. Of his only grandchild he hopes to live long enough that he will once again be privy to enjoy a grandfather/granddaughter relationship such that he was unable to experience with his biological daughter.

His daughter married only a month ago and Dad chose not to attend because he was convinced of her disingenuous invitation; Dad’s invite was at the advice of another.

After interviewing this father and understanding that his story, although unique and painful to him, is but one of many of which the end result is similar, if not a mirror image.
There are Dads who dedicate their lives to their children of past marriages and there are Dads who for whatever rationale – certainly there are no justifiable reasons - divorce their kids at the same moment they divorce their spouses. I am not adept of psychiatric theorem nor statistically prepared to dwell on this intricate subject, but I can attest to this Dad’s pain; what he feels is akin to have lost a daughter to the unthinkable. He lives his life without obvious display but as he relates with sorrow, fantasies of his once dreamed of father/daughter relationship seem more elusive as time expends his remaining years. For him this fantasy is as chanced as the unknown length of his time left to fantasize-on.